Friday, January 24, 2014

I Remember

I remember the sleepless nights, tired and bloodshot eyes and my heart; my God did my heart ache. Sometimes the pain was so excruciating I would collapse to the ground begging for the breath that had been ripped from my body. I remember the questions with no answers, the endless days and the coldness on a face I once adored.  Trust me when I say I remember.  But what I remember the most from those days of uncertainty is not the loss, but the force that instantly encircled me radiating love, friendship and understanding.  Where the walls had crumbled exposing insecurities and vulnerabilities, stood a slew of people that would show me what is to come is far grander than what had left.

Two years and two weeks after the six year relationship ended the miraculous journey continues.
When I look back emotions can overwhelm me and sometimes I do cry.  These tears are not for him, or us, but for those people who made a conscious effort to take time out of their busy lives to enter my chaotic world. Friends, family, coworkers and acquaintances fought on the front lines when I had already surrendered, the days I couldn't take it anymore, someone was there to take it for me. When I thought I was lost, they reminded me of not who I was with him, but of the person I am trying to become.

Without knowing, these people guided me through necessary exercises to help lift the blinders I had been wearing for so many years. By speaking candidly with whomever was asking the questions I never wanted to answer, I revealed embarrassment for what I allowed myself to accept from him, but more so myself.  No matter how shameful I felt, not one of these people ever made me feel less about my actions; not one person ran away in the midst of my attitude or tears.. Not one person walked away when things got tough... when I got too tough.

These people weren't just there to lend an ear, they were there to have fun,, and we did have some FUN. From going out all night,  to causing a bit (maybe more than a bit) of trouble, building ever lasting memories and experiencing things I never would have done with a person in my life who played it much more safe than I was ever meant to play.  Because I could be honest to myself and everyone around me, because the best parts of me could shine, I could accept, let go and move on.

At the time I didn't know that part of all this growing would mean being humbled by the pure goodness in peoples hearts and how much my life would change because of them.  But I've learned that when we surround ourselves with graciousness, we become more grateful, when we fill our lives with people who understand that not one person is perfect, and sometimes it takes a lot of brokenness for people to grow, then we will flourish.

I remember what it was like to feel like I never had a friend around, I remember what it felt like to feel like no one in the room cared, I remember what it felt like to be an outcast.  I remember so I never allow myself to feel  that way again.  I remember so I never repeat.  I remember so I can share.  I remember the goodness.   I remember......

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